K is for ‘Who’s the fuckwit now, Koyen?’

WWKD Number Eleventy Billion:

If Kafka were alive to see a boxing match between a third-rate alt-weekly full of whiners headed up by a siphyllitic (but, admittedly, attractive) Lucius Malfoy personality-alike and a plucky but misunderstood listings magazine that never meant to do anyone any harm, who would he support? What would he say? He’d say: “Magazines and newspapers can’t fight each other. They’re inanimate objects. Who’s the fuckwit here?”

Well, Kafka, you’ll be indifferent to know that in a 3-wins-and-a-draw sweep, the humble li’l L Magazine emerged victorious from yesterday’s amusing but troubling publicity-stunt-cum-death-match against The NY Press. I would be impartial, but as the L is the only publication in New York foolhardy enough to print 650 ill-advised words by me every other Wednesday, and as Koyen is the biggest meanie in the whole universe, you know where my loyalties lie. I just thought I’d set the record straight anyway, though, since gawker neglected to mention the results of the other three fights (especially the one in which Rob Whiteside proved himself to be the hottest–eh, I mean most adept boxer–of the bunch). Also gawker neglected to mention that while Koyen does have about 100 pounds on Scott and did get some good punches in, Scott got some good ones in too. They claim they’re going to have a rematch but I for one am ready for our noncompeting publications to bury the hatchet. Or at least I’m ready to have the last word when I call Koyen a nasty name in the next issue.

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