Are you sick of searching for who you really are? Because it’s hard. Wouldn’t you rather just take a quiz? Quizzes have already helped you figure out whether you’re a jealous girlfriend, unsatisfied with your butt or too much of a go-getter (although, really, is there such a thing as too much of a go-getter?). Anyway, I don’t know about you, but I’m sick of making all this effort, so here is a quiz that will tell you who you are. Of course, you are one of four imaginary protagonists from great Kafka stories or novels, but you knew that already.
(Also, I could probably make this all interactive and fancy McGee with radio buttons and stuff, but that would provoke suspicions that I have nothing better to do with my time.)*
It’s your birthday! Hooray! How do you spend it?
a Two thugs barge into your bedroom, steal your underwear, eat your food, arrest you, and then make you go to work anyway.
b You scuttle back and forth along the floorboards on your many legs and enjoy a tasty birthday cake of rancid fruit.
c You spend the day composing love poems to your gigantic torture machine.
d You cheerfully write a letter to your good friend in St. Petersburg.
Your girlfriend is:
a An imaginary one—you don’t have time for women, and besides, how would you please one now, with your impenetrable exo-shell?
b A sly minx named Leni who seems to know more than you about everything
c A very nice girl, and you’re engaged to her, and your father won’t believe you—why won’t he just die already?
d A voluptuous, flexible, pliable, sensuous, sweet, sweet gigantic torture machine.
Uh-oh—another mix-up at the office. What’s the cause of it?
a You spent all day daydreaming about the old guys in the Courtroom butting their heads up against the ceiling again.
b Your father kept you up all night with his incessant naked dancing.
c You set the pegs on the torture machine incorrectly.
d You woke up this morning to find yourself transformed into a monstrous insect/vermin/bug/cockroach, depending on the translation.
Your relationship with your father would be best described as follows:
a He thinks you’re a weak failure; you are scared of him.
b He thinks you’re a sniveling baby; you have feelings of apprehension about him.
c He thinks you’re a fucking dipshit; you’re petrified of him.
d He thinks you’re a goddamned goodfornothing; you’re so frightened of him that whenever he enters the room you pee your pants and then he mocks you for peeing your pants and calls you a goddmaned goodfornothing.
SCORING**: 1. A=3 B=1 C=4 D=2 2. A=1 B=3 C=2 D=4 3. A=3 B=2 C=4 D=1 4. A=2 B=1 C=3 D=4
HOORAY! The search for enlightenment and identification ends here:
4-6 points: You are Gregor Samsa from The Metamorphosis. Your life was going along pretty well until you woke up a giant bug. You are earnest, docile, industrious, and very, very lonely. Your life will be cut drastically short when your father chucks an apple at you and reverse-Oedipally penetrates your fragile exo-skeleton. The quirky symbolism of this odd gesture will haunt you until your premature death, which will occur very soon.
7-10 points: You are Georg Bendemann from “The Judgment.” Everything was going along fine for you until you wrote a letter to your friend in St. Petersburg announcing your recent engagement, and then made the grievous error of telling your father about it. You are insolent, whiny, dull, helpless, very, very lonely, and completely prone to doing exactly what other people tell you. You will die very, very soon, when your father sentences you to death by drowning and you obey like a little Serf and jump off a bridge.
11-12 points: You are Joseph K. from The Trial. Everything was going along great for you until you turned thirty, got arrested, and realized that you’d been trapped in an all-encompassing nightmare bureaucracy for your entire existence. You are arrogant, ignorant, a slave to the corporate hierarchy, and in poor control of your sexual needs. You will die a gruesome and early death very, very soon, when you actualize the simple fact that your Trial was meant entirely for you and could have only one outcome.
13-16 points: You are the Officer from “In the Penal Colony.” You are a middle-managing, brown-nosed yes-man prone to unnecessary worship of authority figures, and you have a curious affinity for cruel and unusual punishment. Your life will be cut not-so-tragically short when you impale yourself on your own beloved contraption, a gesture of such grand irony that even you will appreciate it as the life-blood gurgles out of you. To add insult to fatal injury, the hallowed writings of your beloved late boss turn out to be gibberish—the joke’s on you!
Now that you have discovered the essence of your being, please give me money so that I may bring a bastardization of Kafka’s masterpiece THE TRIAL to a stage near you. Or far away from you. Who knows? Either way, if you have any money, which I’m sure you don’t, then maybe you could give some to me, which I wouldn’t if I were you, since for all you know I am a nine-hundred pound colitis sufferer in Des Moinses who doesn’t know Kafka from an ass in the ground. Either way, you can give me money by clicking on the “donate your hard-earned dough to a stranger” link at the top right of this bajoobamagoo.
*Interestingly (or not), I wrote this quiz a few years ago as part of a larger project, the bulk of which will make its way onto this blog. Since then, I have acquired, taken, and worked at a job where I write television trivia for a living. The place where I do this has many strict style rules, all of which the quiz you just read breaks. If I could write this quiz over again, it would probably, unintentionally be in the style of the television trivia I can now write drunk, asleep, with one eye gouged out and my big toe on fire.
**Because you totally kept score. I know you did. Just like in COSMO, when you actually find a pen and circle the answers because you really need to know if your vagina is romantic enough.